Twenty-Three Today's
by HotchnerJareau
Summary: Once she starts writing, she can't stop. Jennifer writes a letter for her daughter on each of her birthdays, in hopes of her reading them when she is grown. But that doesn't happen. The only person who reads them again is the person who wrote them, and the one who they're for is the only one absent.
1. Yours

**Author's Note:**

 **Last night, I had an idea. I had an epiphany. I decided I would write letters for my children when I am older. I knew I wanted them to feel wanted and loved. I wanted words to describe them with. Since I am nowhere near that stage, I chose to write in JJ's perspective towards her daughter. Technically, there would be twenty-four letters, if you're including the day she's born, but the story takes place over twenty-three years. This story means a lot to me, it is very personal and a lot of these connections are to my personal life. I hope it inspires you and fills whatever empty void you may have. Enjoy. Xx**

* * *

 _Today, you are yours._

 _You are small and fragile. I have touched you once. One time, and I am in love. You are out of my mind. You are the summer I want to relive forever. You are the sun peering through the clouds. How can I describe you when I've only seen you once? How can I call you softer than the moon's shadow when I have only touched you once? How can I love you when I have only known you for an hour? Your eyes are still fused shut, you have not yet grown. The universe is still sleeping. I am in wonder and awe. You are so tiny, you fit perfectly in the palm of my hand, yet you hold all the stars and planets inside. Today, you are yours. Fully yours. You are now something I can see and marvel over. You are your own person, your own paradise. I can't wait for the day I get to explore the rivers and fields of your happy place, to smell the air and feel the rain on my face. You are just beginning, I am watching a dream come true. What a wonderful life you have ahead of you. A life to call yours._

* * *

Jennifer Jareau winced in pain as she leaned over to place her pen and paper on her side table. Her c-section had been just hours ago, and while the meds had certainly kicked in, a dull pain resided in her abdomen. It was empty. She carried three children for six months. They were safe inside the nest, warm and embraced. Now they were cold and hanging on a thread, begging for a chance at life. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't. She wanted to scream, but she was confined. She wanted the world, but she felt like she only had a speck of soil. Why wasn't anything enough? She turned to the doorway when she saw her best friend walk in.

"Spence," she said softly, falling back onto the pillow. "Ive been waiting for you."

"The waiting room's pretty busy," the man said as he stepped further into the room. He spotted an armchair beside the bed and went over and sat on it.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, putting his hand over her blanket-covered leg.

"Drugged," JJ responded with a small laugh. She examined the various tubing attached to her arms and hands. "I'm high."

Spencer dismissed what his friend said with a laugh.

"JJ, you had three kids," he said disbelievingly. "You have a daughter."

"You have a god-daughter," JJ responded. "A god-daughter."

"Yeah," Spencer said quietly. "Do the kids have names yet?"

"No," JJ responded. "I wasn't prepared for any of this." She was starting to cry now, and Spencer Reid could easily see that it was from her medication and her hormones.

"That's okay," Reid said with a soft smile. "They don't need names yet."

"I didn't think I would have them tonight!" JJ complained as she wiped the tears off of her face. "And I certainly didn't know there'd be three!"

"Nobody knows a lot of things, JJ, that's okay. Just calm down and get some rest."

Jennifer winced with every other breath she took. It was quite painful now and with her body being so drugged up, she thought she'd never get rest.

"I was hesitant about three boys, okay?" JJ said shakily, looking into her friend's eyes. "I was wary about four boys, but four boys and a girl? How am I going to do this?"

"You just do it every day," Reid advised. "Next year, you'll look back on this and realize how silly you were. I promise you." He gave her a soft smile and rubbed his tired eyes.

"I hope they make it through to next year," JJ said. "Go to the NICU and look at how small they all are. Their skin is see through..." She trailed off as she broke down again.

"I know this is scary," Reid said as he held her hand tightly. "But it's normal for babies born at twenty four weeks to have little to no body fat, no wide open eyes..."

"How do I know they're alive then?" JJ asked.

"You just know, you feel it," Reid responded as both adults looked towards the doorway. Jennifer's husband and two sons walked in and greeted them. Reid got up from the chair and went over.

"Congratulations," he said as he shook the man's hand. "Wow, how are you feeling?"

"Overwhelmed," the man said as he folded his arms. "The boys are excited, though."

"Aaron," JJ said as the boys, Jack and Henry, ran up to her bedside.

"Yeah?" Aaron said, watching three year old Henry jump up onto the bed. Jack sat in the armchair and played with the toy car he'd brought along.

"Can you get me some coffee?" She asked.

"You're not allowed to eat or drink for a while, Jen, you've just had a c-section."

"No, I want food."

"You've just had surgery," Aaron said as he picked Henry up off of the bed.

"What can I do? I'm bored and in pain," JJ said with a frown.

"Sleep would be a good idea," her husband said with a laugh. "We should get the boys off to bed."

"Are we going home?" Jack asked.

"I can take them," Reid said. "I'm just around the corner, we'll be close."

"Would you?" JJ asked as she held her stomach in pain.

"Of course," Reid said. "I'm about to leave, anyway, give you two some space."

"Thank you," Aaron said with a soft smile. He pulled Henry close to him and stuck his hand out for Jack to take. "The boys have overnight bags in the car."

"Thank you, Spence!" JJ exclaimed from her bed as they all left the room. And then she was alone. She reached over and folded the written letter into a small square and threw it into her purse.

She'd always had a good aim.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **These chapters are just small glimpses into her daughter's life. They will be short and easy to read, but so heavy a devour. I hope this story brings some happiness to you, as it is a celebration of love and blessings. Stay tuned for more letters, this is only the beginning. Review! Xx**


	2. The Sun

**Author's Note: Here is chapter 2 of this story! I hope you like it!**

* * *

 _Today, you are the sun._

 _Your smile brightens my day and puts the clouds to shame. I have known you for one year, but you have known me your whole life. Your hair is golden and thick and I get a simple pleasure out of running my hands through it each morning. It is your first birthday, your first big, big day. I will prick your finger and draw a bead of blood before I let you devour the vanilla dessert. We discovered you had type 1 diabetes when you were six months old. We were heartbroken, but you were okay. I wish you could hear us sing happy birthday to you and your brothers today, but you cannot hear. You are the sun. You are blocked out by clouds and consumed by the moon, but you're still here. I blinked once and you grew, why? Though you no longer fit in the small crevice of my hand, you take up my entire mind, the way the sun blinds those without sunglasses. Your name is Grace, and you are radiant, you are the sun._

* * *

"Happy birthday, Tyler, Benjamin, and Grace, happy birthday to you!" Everyone sang excitedly.

Aaron and Jennifer blew out the triplets' candles and kissed their children. Three white candles sat atop the vanilla birthday cake. It was a simple cake; nobody had time to throw together an extravagant dish.

"Mama," Tyler said as he dipped his small pointer finger into the white icing.

"Not yet," JJ said, placing him into his aunt's arms.

Emily Prentiss smiled and bounced him up and down and he laughed in delight.

"Will you test Grace for me?" JJ asked her husband as she entered the kitchen, where he had taken the birthday cake.

"Yeah," Aaron said. He looked up at his wife and smiled.

"Okay, where's Benjamin?" JJ wondered as she walked around. "Ben?"

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!" The young boy screamed as he toddled out of the dining area. "Bababababababa!"

"You're so silly!" Jennifer exclaimed as she scooped up her little boy. She pulled him close and kissed his nose softly. "Huh, baby boy?"

"Ba!" Ben said as he pointed outside.

"Ball?" JJ said, her eyes following his finger. She looked at the red ball that sat on the snowy deck and shook her head. "No ball right now, we're having cake. Can you say cake?"

"Ba," Ben said. "Mama, ba!"

"Cake's ready to cut!" Aaron announced.

"Cake!" JJ said in excitement. "Let's go eat!"

Everyone piled into the dining room and sat down. There were only around twelve people there, but the noise was that of twenty. Everybody got a piece of cake and dug in right away. The triplets were strapped into their high chairs and their older brothers sat nearby.

"Here's to one year, and many to come!" Aaron toasted with a pint of beer.

"One year, many to come!" JJ said with everybody else. She raised a glass of water.

Emily elbowed her friend and whispered, "it's okay, one drink won't hurt."

"Only when I'm completely done nursing," JJ replied. "Soon."

"It feels like New Years," Penelope Garcia said with a smile. She clinked glasses with everyone and put it back on the table. "It feels so happy in here."

"We are happy," David Rossi said. "Happy that Tyler, Benjamin, and Grace are here."

"Of course," Aaron replied. "We didn't think they'd make it through the first night, let alone their first year."

"We're so lucky," JJ said happily with a huge smile on her face. "So lucky to have these five beautiful, beautiful children."

After everybody had gone home, JJ and Aaron had to put the children to bed. They took them all upstairs and made sure they'd cleaned up and brushed their teeth before getting into their pyjamas and crawling into bed. Jack and Henry were rather independent at their young ages and could do things without their parents' help. They understood that there were three babies in the house who each needed love and care.

"I hope that cake didn't take you up too high," JJ said as she laid Grace down on the master bed. She pricked her pinky and drew some blood and held the meter up to it.

"You're just right." She wiped Grace's finger clean and picked her up. She held her against her chest so tenderly and held the back of her head with her left hand. Her hair felt heavenly against her mother's overworked hands.

"JJ?" Her husband called from the boys' bedroom. Jennifer and Grace's moment was cut short.

"Yeah?"

"Can you bring me two diapers please?"

JJ chuckled to herself and put young Grace on her hip. The baby stuff had taken over their bedroom and it would continue to do so until the triplets were out of diapers and finished nursing. A huge tub of diapers sat in the closet and JJ opened it and took out three diapers. She took two into Ben and Tyler's bedroom and threw them to her husband.

"How was her sugar?" Aaron asked as he unbuttoned Tyler's onesie.

"Perfect for once," JJ said, smiling at Grace. "I'm going to change her and put her to bed."

JJ bent down with Grace and let Aaron kiss her.

"Say goodnight, daddy," she said softly, holding Grace's small hand. She sighed and said, "she'll sign this to you one day."

"Goodnight, Grace," Aaron said as he continued changing the boys.

JJ held Grace tightly as she carried her down the hallway. She laid her down on the master bed and took off her onesie and her diaper. The small baby started to coo and make sound, causing her mother to run her finger down her face in comfort.

"Let's get you cleaned up, and then it's off to bed!" She said.

After Grace's diaper had been changed and JJ had said goodnight to the boys, she brought Grace up to the attic, which was her bedroom. She laid her gently in the crib and kissed her.

"Goodnight, baby girl. Thank you for being so strong and making it this far. I love you."

With that, she turned the light off and left. How was it possible to love someone this much?

* * *

 **Author's Note: Thank you for reading! Please review!**


	3. Home

**A/N: Chapter 3.**

* * *

 _Today, you are home._

 _You are the place I long to be at. You are a place of safety, a stable structure that shelters me from harm. You are two years old. I can't wait to hold you and smell your sweet scent. I am so scared and you make me feel at ease. I am at war, but you are the mediator, the peacekeeper, the one who will make it all calm. My hand is shaky as I write this; I am tired, and I have been holding a rifle for hours. I am sitting in a tent, all alone, finally, writing to you. I want to be at home. I want to hold you, you brothers, and your father. I want you to know how wonderful you are, how happy you make me. Thinking about you makes me feel like everything will be okay in the end. Today, you are home. You are my sweet sanctuary, my favourite place. Please never think less of yourself. You are my safe haven, you are my saving grace._

* * *

"Oh no, oh no," Jennifer Jareau muttered as she dropped both of her hands onto the green uniform of a man on the ground beside her. "I'm so sorry."

She had shot this man out of fright and now she felt horrible. Her hands were bloody now, for she had opened up his uniform, revealing a small pocket on the left side. She opened it and three photos fell out. It appeared to be a photo of him, a woman, and three small children.

"No," JJ said to herself. She threw the pictures aside and began to press onto his chest. He didn't move, not one bit. "No."

"Jareau!" She heard from a trench nearby. She looked up and saw a thick dark cloud of smoke and the familiar whistling sound of an explosive. She jumped up and dove into the next trench.

Tears were streaming down her face as her hands felt around her pockets for the letter she'd written earlier for her daughter. She huddled beside her commander and said a silent prayer for her family.

"Stop crying," he told her softly. "We are here to fight."

"I just killed..." She stopped herself. She was in a war zone. She was supposed to kill people, but she never thought about the harm it would do to her. She had been in Afghanistan in 2011, so going back in 2013 was nothing new, but it was just as painful.

"Stop," the commander told her.

JJ took a deep breath and rubbed the folded piece of paper with her thumb. Grief and regret overwhelmed her and she fell to the ground in tears. She'd just killed a man. She'd just taken a father away from his children, a husband away from his wife.

"I'm a monster," she mumbled.

"We all are," her commander responded, putting a protective arm over her body as another explosion went off nearby. "Come on."

They got up slowly and scrambled over to some bushes and positioned their rifles. JJ was shaking as she crouched down beside her leader. She was terrified of what today might bring.

It went quiet for a few moments. Troops stopped yelling and fire ceased. JJ and her commander sat in the bushes, keeping still.

"It's my children's' birthday today," she said softly, lowering her rifle.

"Yeah?"

She nodded and swallowed hard.

"They're two," she then said.

"How many've you got?" The commander asked, lowering his rifle. They were rather close; she saw him as a father. He protected her a lot. It was something about her that told him she needed help, but he didn't know what it was.

"Five," she said. "Four boys and a girl."

"Wow," the commander said. "They have a wonderful mother."

JJ nodded and smiled. "But I'm a monster...I just killed a man."

"Stop letting it get to you," the older man said, looking beyond the bushes. He was sitting up further now, communicating with somebody across the sandy plains.

"How? I am horrible–"

She didn't get to finish as a strong force pushed her back against the dirt. Her commander had pushed her down in an attempt to save her from the approaching blast.

"You will make it through today," he said. "Now, we have to fight."

JJ nodded and got back onto her feet. She positioned her rifle again and aimed at an opposing soldier. Within one second, a bullet rang out and his body fell to the ground. Her frame was still, for she was visibly horrified.

"Oh my God."

"Good work."

She disagreed.

He looked at her and nodded.

She shook her head and looked down.

"Next trench," the commander said, breaking the brief silence between them.

JJ carried the weight of her deed with her as she got up and went to the next trench, the one she'd been told to go to. Her commander stayed behind and kept his aim on the opposing side.

Jennifer sunk into the trench and kneeled down with the rifle at eye level. The only thing on her mind was her family.

"Jareau!" She heard from her right.

But it was too late. Everything had gone black.

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you liked it. Feedback is welcome!**


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